Cancer and how I really feel about it.

I am really just venting here so so of this will make sense some will not ...some may say you are just a puss . I for the most part have never told anyone anything here and reall do not fucking care if you think I am a puss for saying so.. I am at this time in my life just trying to get ride of some baggage and work threw some issues.. so if you think I am a pussy for say what I am going to then I pray you never have to walk a day in my shoes and live any part of my passed except the good parts..

Well I have to say that I hate cancer and what it did to me. It sucks . Ok so I have been running around saying I am ok and lucky to be here. That is all true but there is some stuff that I do not say. Like how I hate the fact that it put so much stress on my marriage and how itr still effects it today.. It really made things hard . We had to put a hold on life for a year. A whole year of not knowing if I was going to be ok or just Fuckin waste away. need extra stuff.. and that BS about god gives you what you can handle.. is said by people that have not lived my like so please do not say that to me.. Yes I am a bit bitter about that.. A year of stress that just added to a marriage that was still young and already had gone threw some stress of other sorts. I feel sometimes that we were lucky that we have made it this far.. I know marriages take work and all that bs but they do not need this stress added to them. That stress changed allot of stuff between Dame and myself. Before Cancer I was her hero, the one who do all and save all.. the knight in shining armor.. I was a guy how was not afraid of anything and willing to risk all for her. Then cancer and the armor was gone and i could not been able to say her or protect her... How could she keep the same vision of me.. she could not, hell no one could I was a weak & frail piece of shit ( these are my thoughts and Dame never said anything like this to me so if any one starts messing withe her on this know that a warring order has been issues and I will kick some ass if you fuck with her). It is unimportant that it was not my fault or not my control it still fucked me at the end of the day.. I am lucky that she staid with me at all. To this day I am not sure why? I kills me that almost 5 years later I am still dealing with issues from it that effect my life with Dame. What a fuckin mess.

I hate how it changed my body chemistry. It changed how I smell... During the fun process of the Kemo I smelled like a nasty chemical factory.. It is a wounder that Dame wanted to be with me at all.. I think I gave the fun parts of the NJ turnpike a run for it s money. Seem like a trivial thing but not if you are sleeping next to him or want to make love to him.. The one of very important things that helps keep a couple together was put on hold for a year ..You can say that sex is not important but it is.. it was like ripping a larger chunk of glue from the relationship I know that I do not smell the same way that I did but I do smell different.. not like I did before kemo and not like it was during kemo just different.. yet an other change to me that Dame had to adjust to.
Seems that now I have at times a hard time focusing. Keeping my mind on track. Things are not always clear as they used to be. It is not the normal stress stuff but a real mind wander.. My dyslexia is worse. My balance is fucked. Hard as hell to ride a bike. I am hoping a motorcycle will be easier.. maybe not smart but fuck it it is on my bucket list and will be done.. so no comments needed on the safety of this.. Well we shall see what fun and adventure awaits me on the bike. I am lucky that I could do the 2 tris that I did. I hate how it ate my time doing the Bike part. And lets not forget about my depression .. That in itself could be a whole fuckin blog. All I am going to say that is depression sucks and is not to be made fun of ever.. and lets not for get what it did to my belly .. we lest say that I never know how close I need to be to a bathroom.. well ok I do know usually close.. I stomach seems to have no tolerance for allot of things.... I need not say more here.. I know I sould be happy to be here but I feel that I have the right to say what I am.
Weight gain and loss.. Seems that it is bad enough that I am getting older and weight comes off slow if at all.. then canser had to fuck me and make it even harder.. in that one of the med destroyed my lungs.. they will never be up to par so the one thing that I love doing is so much harder Running.. It is very hard to breath sometimes. then there is just loosing the wieght that I have put on in general again a pain in the ass to get off ..

I hate how it was a excuse for my Ex to pulled the kids from me. She did it so easily. It is no wonder that I divorced her. I could not believe that she had gone so low as to keep them from me. I thought about them everyday. I still miss them and think of them daily.. This is one of those places that if you have not been there please do not give me advise on how I need to reconnect.. Well that is all that I want to say about that.

I hate what it did to my job and career. I was happy and doing a great job but after I just never got back to where I was .. It was impossible and people had put impossible expectations apron me. I just wanted to say "Hey asshole I am fighting for my life and you are worried that I did not finish a ticket . And I told you that I would not get it done" Well Fuck you. All I want to say here with out pointing fingers..

It took so much of my time from me. Time from my kids ( both sets of kids Stepp and bio) , time from my wife. time from me.. Fuckin time is so limited. I wonder why I fought so hard to say here .. fuckin canser was eating me alive and it would have been better maybe to just move one to the next thing maybe.. Yes I do think now that maybe dying would have been easier and I would not have put so much of a strain on so many.. I know not what you all expected and if you have pitty for me or feel sorry I will kick your ass .. I am not looking for thatI will say what kept me going .. I know it now most people have heard me say that it was the soldier inside.. well that is not true.. It was Dame and the thought that I would not be with her that kept me going.. I have learned what it is to have a wife that you love with all your heart. She is the reason that I fought so fuckin hard. I could not imagine anything with out her. I can not to day.. I know it sounds corny and mussy.. well too fuckin bad. but on the other edge of the sword how could I hurt and inflect so much stress on the very person that I love so very much.. and to tell you the truth I feel like shit about it.. I hurt something that I love more than myself and it is unforgivable. Maybe one day forgiveness will come..

Please do me a favor if you read this do not start feeding me about God and how I am blessed to be here.. I am in no mood to here that and unless you have had censer you have ground to stand on.. this is just something that was on my mind.. I think that in reference to this year and the stress that iit has brought these were some thing on my mind.

Well here we go ...

I ahave been say for sometime now .. "it is what it is" well fuck that the new is going to be " it is what I will make it " Fate can kiss my ass..

Well one thing on my bucket list is getting done….I hope.

I am working on getting my bike fixed up.. yes I am getting a motorcycle.. I know it is not safe and it may not be the best thing for a 43 year old man to do but .. I need to do this I missed doing this years ago.. Now I can get a bike well this bike for nothing and just fix it up and ride.  She might not look like much to any one else but she is perfect to me.. 

 

I was not sure what her name was .. yes I was going to name her.. and my wife gave her the name of Vixen.. I think it fits so to any one who cares meet Vixen a 1985 Kawasaki ZX 600a. with 29k on the odometer. 

My battle with my weight!

God this has been a fight.. The dam chemo messed me up so fuckin bad .. It is so hard for me to keep it off. Well this year I am going to work hard on it..

So far so good.. I have lost 8 lb.  since 1 Jan 2009 .. 20 lb to go.

My New Years Resolutions

These are not in any real order just random thoughts

1. Train better I need to try and not waste time thinking about how I train and just go and do it.

2. I want do the House projects that I have in the House project worksheet. I need to get the house fixed up.

3. LOOSE Weight. I hate the way I look and feel. I know that if I lost the weight that I want I would be able to run easier. 

4. I need to eat better. I am eating way to much shit.. I know that this will help with running.

5. I want to finish the JFK 50.

6. I want to do my first full marathon

7. I am going to try and get get enough rest and sleep (minimum of 6 hours a night, please) in between hard workouts for repair and better performance.

8. I will try and remember that  there are no stupid questions.

9. I want to read more.